


damned if i do ya (damned if i don't)

by flintsjohn



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Anal Sex, Bisexual Kyle Valenti, Blow Jobs, Cunnilingus, Everyone secretly loves Kyle, Multi, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Semi-Public Sex, What's canon? I don't know her
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-24 05:50:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18565222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flintsjohn/pseuds/flintsjohn
Summary: In which everyone wants to punch Kyle and they all eventually find the same solution for it.





	damned if i do ya (damned if i don't)

**Author's Note:**

> I have no excuse for this, it's just straight up smut ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ I blame at least 80% of this on Amanda (@bisexualalienblast) and [this](https://bisexualalienblast.tumblr.com/post/184364996748/feeling-cute-might-stab-kyle-later-is-every) post, so darling, this is for you.  
> Don't look at the timeline too closely because this makes literally no sense in canon, though there are still references to it.  
> Endless appreciation and love to anyone leaving kudos and comments (I read and reread all of them, even if I'm terrible at replying because I never know what to say!). I'm also on [tumblr](https://vlamito.tumblr.com).  
> Title is a song by All Time Low.

**I. Liz**

“Crazy scientist is a good look on you,” Kyle says as he enters Liz’s lab at lunch break, take out bag in hand. “But I wish you’d stop texting me about sacrificing mice when we’re about to eat.”

Liz looks up from her research to level him with a look that makes him gulp. He’s not sure how it happens, but he barely has time to set down the bag before Liz is dragging him in one of the empty examination rooms across the hall and locking the door.

“What’s happening?” He asks as she pushes him down on the examination bed.

“You’re eating me out.”

“Uh, ok, that’s not exactly what I’d planned on eating for lunch today-“

“ _Ay, por Dios, callate,_ ” she snaps at him, tugging up her skirt and sliding off her panties before she’s climbing on top of him. She waves an impatient hand at him when he still doesn’t move. Just like that, he’s snapping into action, sliding down the bed just enough to position himself with his head between her thighs.

He starts slow, teasing her with his tongue the way he knows she likes. He takes his time, pushing only the tip of his tongue in before retreating and pressing up against her clit. He fucks her with his tongue until she’s nice and wet, and then he slips two fingers in her and moves his tongue back up to her clit, basking in the moans he elicits from her. He sucks down on her clit and grazes at it with his teeth just enough to hear her whimper, then goes back to giving it small kitten licks as he picks up the pace with his fingers.

He lets her ride his face and his hand the way she wants, letting out a small grunt when she clenches her hand in his hair and tugs him even closer. He moves his free hand to her hip to support her body above him when she sways forward, but otherwise he doesn’t stop. When he finally crooks his fingers into the sweet spot inside of her, Kyle can feel her trembling above him, thighs tightening around his head as she reaches her climax. He lets her ride it out, walls clenching around his fingers, and licks her clean until she bats her hand at him halfheartedly, oversensitive after her orgasm, and he releases her so she can collapse next to him.

“Want to tell me what that was about?” He asks as soon as they both catch their breaths.

“I had a choice between getting rid of my frustration this way or by punching you,” Liz deadpans. “Seemed like the better option.” 

That said, she hops off the bed and slips her panties back on, straightens her clothes, and then she’s out of the door and calling after him, “Come on, lunch’s getting cold.”

**II. Alex**

“Can you _please_ just shut up and let me work?” Alex growls at him, rubbing sleep from his eyes.

“Dude, come on. You’ve been staring at that screen for hours. A break for a drink won’t kill you.” The murderous look Alex sends him states clearly that it very well might, but Kyle offers him a grin and nods to the door. “One drink, and I’ll let you go back to being a computer nerd.”

Turns out, keeping to the one drink rule isn’t either of their fortes. They’re both a little tipsy by the time they head back to Kyle’s car, and Alex is leaning into him in a way that makes Kyle’s brain short-circuit. 

“Alright, c’mon, back to the nerd lair,” he says, pretending to ignore the way Alex is looking at him. It’s useless, really, because he’s never been good at hiding how he feels, and Alex is way too good at reading people, so what he gets, instead of Alex getting in the car, is Alex pressing him up against it and kissing him.

He moans into it, legs spreading to accommodate the one Alex is pressing in between them. When he finally draws back for air, Alex’s lips are red and puffy, and he’s looking at Kyle like he wants to eat him and swallow him whole. Kyle wouldn’t particularly mind.

“Get in the car,” Alex orders. Kyle immediately scrambles to comply, getting as comfortable as one can in the back seat of a car. Alex follows him right away, door slamming shut behind him as he blankets Kyle’s body with his own, eliciting a moan from the other man when their groins brush together. Kyle gets distracted by the way Alex’s muscles ripple under his shirt as he moves to undress him. By the time they’re both naked, he’s relaxed and pliant under Alex’s hands, going with it when Alex tugs his thighs up around his own hips. He’s so lost in the sensation of Alex running his hands over his body that he almost misses out on the fact that Alex is talking.

“You’re impossible, you know,” he’s saying, teeth nipping at Kyle’s neck and making him moan, “Dragging me away from my work just because you need an excuse for me to fuck you.” He licks at the hollow of Kyle’s throat and then he’s reaching a hand under Kyle’s body, fingers pressing between his cheeks and teasing at his rim.

“I don’t-“ Kyle starts, cutting himself off with a high-pitched whimper when Alex presses down harder on his hole.

“You could’ve just asked,” Alex says before kissing him again roughly. Kyle whines and presses up against Alex’s warm body, but he’s pulling back after a moment to rummage beneath the driver’s seat until he comes up with the lube bottle with a little “a-ha!”

Alex shakes his head at him with a disbelieving laugh. “Can’t believe you keep lube in your car.” 

“You never know.” Kyle shrugs as he presses the bottle into Alex’s hand and lays back with a wink that has Alex roll his eyes. He’s moving into action after a moment, doing quick work of getting Kyle ready, fingers deftly opening him up and leaving him a moaning mess. He doesn’t give him enough time to catch his breath before he’s rolling a condom on his cock and pressing inside of Kyle, not slowing down until he’s completely sheathed in his warmth.

“Fuck, Alex, move,” Kyle moans, thighs coming up to frame Alex’s body again and keep him close as he starts to thrust, slow and measured. He keens high in his throat when the head of Alex’s dick presses up against his prostate. The sound makes Alex clap a hand on his mouth.

“Shut up, Valenti, you’ll get us caught,” he whispers heatedly in Kyle’s ear as he keeps fucking him, dirty grinds of his hips followed by sharp thrusts that hit his prostate every time. Kyle nods wildly to show him he gets it but Alex doesn’t remove his hand. He just lowers his head to nip at Kyle’s neck again as he fucks him, and soon Kyle is clenching down on him, teeth grazing the palm of Alex’s hand as he pants against it. He comes untouched when Alex snakes a hand beneath him and brings his body up to meet his hips on a particularly hard thrust, and it surprises both of them, Alex’s eyes wide as he stares down at Kyle.

“Fuck, that was hot,” Alex whispers hotly, hand finally slipping from Kyle’s mouth. “Can I-?”

“Yeah,” Kyle swallows, tugging Alex close, “Yeah, keep going.” 

He ends up coming a second time with Alex’s hand curled tight around his cock, gasping on a sob as Alex shivers through his own climax with his cock pressed deep inside of Kyle.

**III. Max**

Kyle has no shame in admitting to the fact that, since college, he’s always had a thing for men in uniform. Sure enough, he never expected for said man in uniform to be Max Evans, but he has to concede that the man looks hot in his deputy uniform, and he really is tall. So, if he gets distracted from his purpose of bringing his mom lunch in her office by Max leaning against his desk sipping coffee, it’s really not his fault. 

He catches the man’s eyes and smirks when he knows he’s got him. If he puts more sway than usual in his hips as he walks to the station’s toilet, he’s sure no one but Max notices. He’s leaning against the sink when Max joins him. He’s frowning, but Kyle doesn’t let that deter him.

“Deputy,” he drawls.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing, Valenti?” Max growls and fuck him if that isn’t sexy. 

“I think you know exactly what I’m doing. And,” Kyle grins, stepping forward. His grin widens when Max takes a step back, effectively trapping himself against the closed door. “You followed me here, didn’t you?”

“You’re terrible,” Max mumbles, but he lets Kyle tug his shirt out of his pants and unbuckle his belt with deft fingers. 

“Hmm, you love it.” Kyle doesn’t waste any time. He gets on his knees and runs his hands up Max’s thighs, suppressing a whimper as he feels the powerful muscles ripple under his touch. He unbuttons Max’s pants and gets a hands in his underwear, grin back in place when he feels how hard Max already is.

“Fuck, wait-“ Max groans when Kyle draws him out of his briefs, “Jesus Christ, wait a second.”

“What?” Kyle asks, frowning up at him. 

“Can’t believe I’m doing this,” Max mutters. He holds eye contact as he flicks the lock on the door, then nods at him to go on. With a playful glint in his eyes, Kyle gets down to business. He wraps a hand around the base of Max’s cock, tongue teasing at the head. He gives him small kitten licks at first, plays with the slit until Max gets a hand in his hair and tugs him forward. Only then does he open his mouth to welcome the head in his mouth. 

He looks up at Max again as he lowers his mouth on his dick, hand working on what he can’t fit. Max can hold his gaze for just a minute before he’s slamming his eyes shut and throwing his head back against the door. Kyle draws back to chuckle at the pained sound that leaves Max’s lips. 

Max’s fingers tighten in his hair, tugging him down again, and Kyle goes willingly. He works his mouth down inch by inch, swallowing when the head of Max’s cock hits the back of his throat. He comes back up for air as Max groans, thighs visibly quivering with the effort to keep his hips from moving, and that simply will not do.

“You can, you know.”

“Can what?” Max looks down at him, chest heaving. His eyebrows are drawn tight in confusion.

“Fuck my throat. I want you to.”

“Jesus _fuck_ , Valenti.” Max groans, eyes fluttering shut as he inhales deeply to center himself. Kyle watches him breathe for a moment until he seems to come to a decision. One of his hands stays buried in Kyle’s hair, pulling him close as he feeds his cock into Kyle’s mouth with the other.

Kyle moans around him, one hand snaking into his own pants to press down on his erection. He lets his jaw go slack as Max starts pistoning his hips rhythmically. His eyes water when the head of Max’s cock hits the back of his throat repeatedly but he refuses to let up, places his free hand on Max’s hip to let him know it’s ok. 

He has a hand flying on his cock, slowing on each upstroke to rub his thumb on the head, by the time Max buries himself in his throat and comes. He closes his eyes and swallows around him, cheeks flushing with pride at Max’s moan. He comes on his fist a second later.

“Shit, I’m sorry,” Max pants as Kyle draws back and stands swiftly.

“Nha, all good, man,” Kyle says, voice rough and sounding thoroughly fucked. He washes his hands and swallows a few gulps of water before wiping his mouth. By the time he’s adjusted his clothes he expects Max to be fully clothed again, but the deputy is still pressed against the door with a heaving chest. Kyle raises an eyebrow at him and moves closer, tugging Max’s clothes back in place for him. He finishes buckling Max’s belt with a grin and flicks the lock on the door open.

“Relax, Evans. Don’t go and lock yourself up for a quickie in the bathroom.” He drops a kiss to Max’s cheek and tugs the door open, leaving Max to stare after him with a dumbfounded look.

**IV. Michael**

“What’s up with you?” Kyle asks as Michael storms past him on his way to the airstream. How he’s still living in that dump, Kyle doesn’t know. He’s at the junkyard to get the engine of his car checked, or he would be if Michael weren’t ignoring him. He buries his hands in the pockets of his pants and tries again. “Still not getting any from Alex?”

That makes Michael pause, though he doesn’t turn from where his hand is poised on the door handle. “We’re _friends_.”

“Hmm, sure. What about Maria?” 

“Again, friends.” Michael grits out.

“Do you make a habit of fucking all your friends, then?” Kyle asks, taking deliberately slow steps forward until he’s a breath away from Michael.

“Why, you want some?” He turns at that, and Kyle can see the way his breath catches in his throat when he realizes how close Kyle is and their eyes meet. They hold each other’s gaze for a moment, tension building between them, and then they’re kissing, rough and all teeth, and Kyle is pressing Michael up against the door.

“Fuck, wait, get in,” Michael pants against his mouth, reaching behind himself to tug the door open.

They move fast as they tumble in the airstream. Clothes are discarded messily, and Kyle is pretty sure he still has a sock on but he doesn’t care enough to stop and check, because Michael is pushing him down on the bed and climbing on his lap in one slick move. 

“You gonna ride me, cowboy?” He grins up at him, earning himself a glare.

“Shut up,” Michael mutters under his breath, but he’s reaching for the lube and slicking up his fingers, so Kyle figures he doesn’t mind too much. He watches in fascination as Michael reaches back to open himself up, breath hitching as he presses the first finger inside himself. Kyle can’t stop himself from running his hands up and down Michael’s thighs soothingly, teeth nipping at Michael’s throat as he listens to the breathless moans the man makes as he gets himself ready. He’s pretty sure Michael doesn’t take the time he should to prepare, because soon enough he’s pushing Kyle back and opening a condom wrapper with his teeth – which, if you ask Kyle, shouldn’t be as hot as it is – and rolling the condom down on Kyle’s cock.

“Guerin-“ Kyle doesn’t have time to finish the sentence, because then Michael is rising up on his knees and sliding down on Kyle’s dick, not stopping until he bottoms out inside of him. They both take a minute to just breathe after that. Kyle finds it hard to think around how hot and tight Michael is around him, so he just studies the other man. He has his eyes closed and his head is tipped forward, body already wracked with shivers just from having Kyle’s cock buried inside of him. Kyle is sure he’s never seen the man this calm before. Of course, Kyle has to go and fuck that up.

“Can’t believe this is-“ Is all he gets out before Michael opens his eyes to glare at him.

“If you finish that sentence, I swear I’ll blow your head up with my powers,” he grits out. Kyle swallows nervously, but can’t really help the way his dick twitches at the threat, which of course Michael feels. He tips his head to the side with a small grin and starts moving, slow and dirty grinds of his hips that have Kyle grip his thighs like a lifeline. He quickly becomes frustrated with the measured pace, trying to move Michael along first with his hands, then with his words. It seems to work, because Michael starts slamming himself down roughly, hands tightening on Kyle’s shoulders. The change leaves Kyle breathless.

“God, you’re so – so _infuriating_.” Michael punctuates each word with a downward movement, keening when Kyle finally finds the presence of mind to get his feet under him so he can meet his thrusts. 

“You never – never shut up,” Michael continues with a gasp, and Kyle wonders how the hell he’s still talking. He reaches a hand up to grab the back of Michael’s neck, fingers sliding into his curls to tug on them, which makes Michael moan high in his throat, and isn’t that interesting. His other hand splays wide on the small of Michael’s back, spurring his movements.

“Seems to me like you’re the one who can’t shut his mouth, Guerin,” Kyle drawls, cock-sure, even as his voice comes out low and rough. 

“Maybe you should be fucking me better, then.” Michael raises a single eyebrow and stops abruptly, Kyle’s cock buried deep inside of him and pressing against his prostate. Kyle gapes at him like he can’t believe he’s serious. He has to be, though, because he’s still not moving, and the clenching heat of his body is driving Kyle crazy. He flips them over so Michael is on his back, narrowly avoiding cracking his head open on the cabinets, and then he’s pressing back inside of Michael in one swift move and setting a punishing pace. One particularly hard thrust has Michael moaning loudly, back arched and hand flying up to brace himself against the wall. 

“God, you just can’t stay quiet, can you?” Kyle nips at Michael’s neck, his collarbones, leaving red marks in his wake. When he looks up, Michael has a hand pressed against his mouth and his eyes are closed.

“Didn’t say I didn’t like it,” he whispers in his ear, tugging the hand away from Michael’s mouth.

“Shut up and make me come, Valenti.” Michael’s voice comes out breathless and there’s no real bite to it, but Kyle does as he’s asked anyway, a hand sliding between them to curl around Michael’s cock and starts tugging at him in time with his thrusts. Soon enough, Michael is clenching down on him, mouth open in a soundless moan as he arches his back and comes on Kyle’s fist. Kyle doesn’t last much longer after that, spending himself in the condom on one last deep thrust. He stays buried in Michael, face planted on the man’s heaving chest, as they both catch their breaths. 

“I still want to punch you in the face, by the way,” Michael says after a moment, amusement clear in his tone as his fingers play with the short hair at the nape of Kyle’s neck.

“Hmm. Enjoy the afterglow now, punch later.”

**V. Maria**

“I’m pretty sure having sex on the counter counts as a health code violation,” Kyle quips as he helps Maria hop up on said counter, holding back a grunt when she hooks both legs around his hips and draws him close. It’s early afternoon, and he’d just swung by the Wild Pony because Liz had mentioned Maria needed help with inventory. Turns out, she was already done by the time he got there, and had way too much free time on her hands, so here they are. 

“Valenti,” she starts, arms wrapping around his shoulders. She has a faux sweet smile on her lips and he quirks an eyebrow at her. “If we do this, there’s one rule.”

“What’s that?” he asks, hands already roaming over her legs and up beneath her shirt.

“You shut up. No jokes, no comments, not even dirty talk.” She levels him with a look that brokers no argument, so he just nods and pushes her back until she’s lying flat on the counter. He tugs her shirt off swiftly and wastes no time in unclasping her bra. He kisses down her throat and across her breasts to close his mouth around a nipple, tongue laving around it until it hardens and he can tug on it gently. He grins when Maria moans above him and moves on to the other nipple to give it the same treatment.

“Valenti, I swear to God,” Maria says, pushing against his shoulders to force him to move lower. He does so gladly, unbuttoning her jeans and tugging them down along with her panties. He finishes slipping her pants off and moves back between her thighs, kissing up each of them before he’s wrapping his arms around them and tugging her close. Maria lets out a surprised squeal which rapidly morphs into a moan when he licks into her, two fingers following quickly because he knows exactly what she needs. He stretches her open swiftly, fingers curling just right as his tongue teases at her clit. 

She’s tugging him up before he can make her come, yanking at his shirt to get him to undress. He’s barely stepped out of his pants before she’s pushing herself into a sitting position and wrapping a hand around his cock, thumb teasing at the head. He’s about to open his mouth to get her to do something when she narrows her eyes at him and he snaps his mouth shut. She nods approvingly and curls a finger on her free hand until he steps closer. Maria gasps when they kiss, tongue teasing at Kyle’s lower lip and humming when she tastes herself on his lips.

At length, Kyle pulls back from the kiss, ignoring the disappointed sound Maria makes in favor of reaching for his pants and fishing a condom out of his pocket. Maria shakes her head at him with a laugh that grows louder when he surges back up to kiss her again, making them both tumble onto the counter in his excitement. She pets a hand down his cheek and cocks an eyebrow at him.

“What are you waiting for, Doc?” 

He laughs at her and then he’s rolling the condom on his cock and pressing against her cunt. Maria moans when the head of his cock breaches her, back arching and head thrown back in pleasure. He doesn’t stop until he’s completely sheathed in her, blood rushing in his ears as he drops to his elbows, arms on either side of Maria’s head. 

He has both hands buried in Maria’s hair as he starts moving. Their foreheads are pressed together and they’re not kissing as much as panting open-mouthed against each other. Maria’s eyes are closed and she looks breathtaking, lost in her pleasure as she is. Her nails rake down Kyle’s back, making him moan, and then one of her hands is slipping down to his ass, pressing down on him to spur his movements, but she doesn’t stop there. Her fingers slip between his cheeks until she’s teasing at his hole and he shivers above her, hips stuttering a little as the tip of one of her fingers presses inside of him.

“Maria-“

“Shhh, no talking, remember?” She smirks at him and draws him close for another kiss. Her thighs clench at his sides and he can feel her tightening around him, so he snakes a hand between them to circle his thumb on her clit in time with his thrusts. She has a hand clenched tight in his hair, guiding his head down to her breasts again, and he lets out a disappointed whimper when the position forces Maria to move her fingers away from his ass. He bites down gently on her nipple in reprisal and she yelps out a laugh, nails scratching at his scalp and making him gasp.

He’s slowed down a little, distracted by Maria’s antics, but he picks the pace up again, wanting her to come around him. He rubs down hard on her clit and relishes in the feeling of her cunt clenching around him, in the pleasure flashing on her face. Things go downhill fast from there, Maria’s feet pressing down on his ass to keep him even closer as she arches her back and comes with a loud moan, body quivering. He doesn’t last long after that, her walls gripping him tight and milking the climax out of him. 

He collapses against her, head pillowed on her breasts. He presses a few feather-light kisses into her sweaty skin and she combs her fingers through his hair in return. He knows they’ll have to move soon lest they get caught by one of Maria’s barmen coming in for their shift, but he lets himself enjoy the post-coital haze they’re in for a few more seconds.

“That was fun,” he says later, when they’re getting dressed. He flinches at the state they left the counter in. “D’you need a hand to clean up?”

Maria looks at him like he’s grown a second head. After a second, she shakes her head with a smile. “I’m all good, thanks, Kyle.” He nods, returning her smile. He’s almost at the door when Maria speaks up again. “We should do this again, some time!” He grins and turns around to give her a thumbs up. He only gets an eye roll in response.


End file.
